


Why am I afraid of...?

by crowdedmasks (emptymasks)



Category: Rebecca (2020), Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier & Related Fandoms, Rebecca - Levay/Kunze
Genre: Cheating, Cunnilingus, Danny deserved better, F/F, Fingerfucking, First Time, Lesbian Sex, Light Dom/sub, Master/Servant, Mildly Dubious Consent, Older Woman/Younger Woman, POV First Person, Praise Kink, Vaginal Fingering, Virgin Narrator, and it takes away the tension between her and maxim, as in ich wonders for a moment but it might still be upsetting for someone to read, because they didn't in the book and it's strange they had them in the new film, bisexual awakening, but is just a tiny idea she has but it doesnt actually happen, confused bisexual feelings, fantasized dub-con, ich deserved better, it takes away ich feeling like she isn't living up to the sexually confident rebecca, maxim and ich haven't had sex yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:20:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27211123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptymasks/pseuds/crowdedmasks
Summary: Even with the last warm rays of the sun streaming in, the room still seemed so dark. It suited her, though. I'd never seen her in anything other than black or dark blue. It did also make her seem all the more imposing.I was aware that she may have still been trying to toy with me but... something in what she had said to me about her and Rebecca seemed genuine. And Maxim must have kept her on for a reason. Clearly she must be good at her job. It seemed pretty foolish now that I had never asked for her to go over how the household worked with me. I just had wanted to seem as though I already knew, so she wouldn't think me more of a naive little girl than she already did."Have you grown so tired of intruding in Rebecca's rooms you've had to intrude in my own now?"
Relationships: Mrs. Danvers (Rebecca)/Rebecca de Winter (One-Sided), Mrs. Danvers (Rebecca)/Rebecca de Winter (Referenced/Implied), Mrs. Danvers/I, Mrs. Danvers/Ich, Mrs. Danvers/Narrator, Narrator (Rebecca)/Mrs. Danvers (Rebecca)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Why am I afraid of...?

It was so strangely peaceful up here.

I don't know what had drawn me up to Mrs Danvers room, but ever since I'd first come up here that night after Favell came around I'd wanted to see it more clearly. In the daylight. Even a servant’s room, a phrase that felt horrible on my tongue, was still bigger than any room I had slept in since my parents died.

Even with the last warm rays of the sun streaming in, the room still seemed so dark. It suited her, though. I'd never seen her in anything other than black or dark blue. It did also make her seem all the more imposing.

Though this past week I had been pleasantly surprised to find something underneath there. I was aware that she may have still been trying to toy with me but... something in what she had said to me about her and Rebecca seemed genuine. And Maxim must have kept her on for a reason. Clearly she must be good at her job. It seemed pretty foolish now that I had never asked for her to go over how the household worked with me. I just had wanted to seem as though I already knew, so she wouldn't think me more of a naive little girl than she already did.

"Have you grown so tired of intruding in Rebecca's rooms you've had to intrude in my own now?"

I put my hand on my chest to still my heart as a turned around. She was as silent as a ghost as ever.

"It would hardly be fair for you to tell me off again for sneaking up on you, when this is my room," Danvers moved from the doorway and strode into the room and I felt the urge to back myself up against the window.

"I... I just..." I had gotten better at talking with her, but I really didn't have a good reason to be in here, did I?

"Curious thing, aren't you?" She mused, coming over and standing next to me by the window.

Why had I come up here? Why wasn't I stammering out an apology and leaving? What could I say? How I kept thinking about the night I came out here? That once the anger had dissipated from me and I replayed the conversation over in my head I kept thinking about how she had looked in that black, see-through material. About how she had looked when her mask dropped that little bit and I saw a human being behind the cold machine. I'd felt sorry for her and almost reached out to touch her. But I couldn't let go of my anger in that moment.

"Did Rebecca ever come up here?" I asked without thinking. I seemed to keep doing that. Bringing up Rebecca as my anxiety gnawed on me, normally causing the other to look at me with pity or disgust.

Danvers looked at me out of the corner of her eyes, turning her head slowly to face me more. "Why would you think she'd be up here?"

"Well... you said the two of you were like friends."

"Yes. She was the closet person I had. And I was her confidant. But she was the lady of this house, what reasons do you think she would have for coming to me? Rather than calling me to come and see her in her room?"

"I... I don't know," My voice quietened as she stood a little closer to me.

"Perhaps there were things she didn't want to talk about in front of Mr de Winter. Tell me madam, is that why you're here?"

"I can talk to Maxim about anything," I said rather defensively and I knew she could see through my doubt.

It's what I had thought for so long, but he kept getting angry now. And how long had we been married and yet he seems to barely touch me. Is that what I wanted then? Yes, perhaps I was just here hoping for some comfort, and Danvers was the only one who wouldn't gossip unlike if I asked any of the other staff. She was the only womanly figure here. And I was beginning to love Beatrice dearly, but she was barely every around.

"Can you?" I felt as though she was almost whispering to me and it sent shivers up my spine and I hated that I liked how it felt.

"Yes, Mrs Danvers," I tried to stand tall. "I can. You shouldn't question how Maxim and I are."

"Oh, I'm only asking out of concern, madam," Her eyebrows slanted in the way they had done that evening and I felt as though I was a mouse under her cat-eye gaze. "Only... Oh perhaps you're right, I shouldn't say anything."

She turned her head and started to walk away. I needed to grow up and learn. It was so obviously bait. And yet... I wanted to get hooked on it.

"Say what?"

It was as thought I could feel her grin and hide it before she turned back around.

"Well I know how he was with Rebecca. How she would lie there and take what he wanted to give, and then go to sleep dissatisfied."

"Mrs Danvers, I, I surely don't know what you're implying," My face flushed and I felt sick. How dare she know?

"Does he even touch you?" She crept closer again. "Or does he just get himself to release and then roll off you. It's not your fault, he's a man."

"Did he..." I couldn't ask that. Danvers surely wouldn't no... but Rebecca told her everything, hadn't she? Rebecca would feel no shame in asking. She'd feel no shame in sex. Mrs Danvers was so close to me and I could feel tears of shame stinging in the corner of my eyes. "Did he touch her?"

"What did I say? He's a man." She scoffed, and then looked at me slightly curious. "Surely you've heard the rumours by now, or found things in your little secret trips to her boathouse. She used to call it her 'den'. Her little lovers den. And Mr de Winter never went down there, no. But she had to get her release somewhere."

Somehow she'd turned me around. I'd tried to back away and perhaps make for the door but I kept watching her prowl towards me as I went dizzy and my knees hit the back of the bed and I stumbled back onto it. And when I made to stand up, Mrs Danvers was now so close that I didn't have the room. I could only sit and look up at her.

"Who do you think she came to when no one could come to the boathouse?"

Oh god.

I wanted to leave. I could have turned and jumped off the other side of the bed but I was rooted where I sat. The image of Mrs Danvers helping Rebecca to... relive her urges when no one else could... She'd probably order Danvers around, wouldn't she? She'd tell Danvers what she wanted and how she liked it. And I didn't even know the answers to those questions about myself. I wouldn't be able to tell her.

Oh god did I want too?

"Is that why you're here, madam?"

I couldn't respond. How was I supposed to? No, of course that wasn't why I was here, I didn't even know that was something she would offer! Would I have still come up if I had known it was?

What was a thinking, I loved Maxim! And he loved me, he had to love me. Otherwise he wouldn't have married me. Had known Rebecca did such things? Had he loved her in spite of them?

And what was Danvers getting out of this? I had no idea how to... do such things, let alone with another woman. Unless she just wanted me to lie down and be quiet and perhaps she could imagine I was Rebecca. Wasn't that what they all wanted to do? To pretend that I was Rebecca.

But she'd never done that, had she. She'd been the only one who saw me for what I was. She didn't pretend. She didn't whisper when I passed her in the corridor.

Her thumb pressed against the skin under my bottom lip as the side of her index finger hooked under my chin and she forced me to look up at her.

"You didn't answer my question, madam. Does he touch you?"

She seemed to look down at me with an unreadable expression. Perhaps it was the lighting. Perhaps I just couldn't recognise it. Maxim had never looked at me like that.

"No."

Her lips twitched and she bent down, hand still firm on my chin and she leaned in closer and closer and closer until her red lips were almost brushing my own and I lowered my gaze to look at them and despite myself I leaned in. But she wouldn't let me move.

Instead she then let me go and sat neatly on her knees in front of me. Her hands came around my ankles, the touch light but cold, and she trailed her fingertips up until she found the backs of my knees.

"Do you know what you'd like me to do, madam?"

I looked away from her and shook my head. "He's never... I've never..."

"Shall we figure you out together then?" It was barely poised as a question and her hands were already moving again, slipping up under my dress and pulling at the waistband of my undergarment.

No one else's fingers had ever been there and despite it only being against my stomach, I shivered under her touch.

"You are very sensitive aren't you? Lay back."

And I didn't even hesitate to question her and I just did as she asked. I was the one meant to be in charge of her and I was just blindly going along with whatever she said, with whatever she wanted to do. What was wrong with me?

Her fingers coiled under the fabric and pulled it down my legs. "There's a good girl."

But, _oh._ Those two words somehow got under my skin and my breath caught in my throat. And she noticed. Because of course she noticed.

"Yes, I'd thought that might be what you needed. You are so eager to please, aren't you? And it doesn't matter who it is. You've been neglected so much. You can't ask for what you want because you don't know what you want."

Her words stung with a humiliating burn and yet I leaned into them. And she was right wasn't she? I didn't know how she knew, I didn't even know myself that I would react to such words, and yet she did. She knew. She knew me better than I knew myself, it seemed.

My thighs warmed up as she rubbed her hands over them, carefully and slowly watching as I allowed her to pull my legs apart more before encouraging me closer to the edge of the bed. I couldn't imagine why that would make any difference and then I felt something softer than fingers against my inner thigh.

When I looked down she was drawing her lips back and leaving the slightest red tint on my skin. Holding my gaze, she nipped at my skin before sucking on it and I had to throw my head back against the bed and bite my lips.

She continued to kiss the skin there, on both of my thighs, breath ghosting over the centre of me as she moved from one to the other. A hand came up and a thumb pressed against the underside of my breast as her fingers coiled around my back. I didn't know if she was waiting for me to say anything, or if she was waiting for permission.

Her lips finally brushed between my thighs and I squeaked. "Danny."

She drew back and looked up at me then and I thought perhaps I had ruined it. I'd never called her by her nickname before and perhaps in that moment she was reminded too much of Rebecca. There was something dark in her eyes and thought she meant to scold me or tell me to leave, but she did neither.

"Do be careful, madam. You wouldn't want anyone to hear you," Is all she said before cruelly licking a stripe through me.

My hands flew over my mouth in an instant and I tried to breath. I'd never felt anything like it and tried to find something to focus on as she lapped at my sensitive nub, a thing I knew held so many nerves and yet had never worked up the courage to find out for myself.

She drew back all too soon only to stroke up and down with two fingers and then pulled them apart to separate my folds. And I could do nothing but cover my burning face as she looked at me.

"Oh, you are enjoying this, aren't you? Look at how wet you are from me barely touching you."

I so desperately wanted to bury myself in the ground. I whimpered and drew my arms tight around my head.

"That's not a bad thing, madam. Quite the contrary. And quite normal given how little attention has been paid to you. Rebecca used to put her hands in my hair and ride my face until she was satisfied, no matter how tired I was. You're going to be quiet different, aren't you? I think you want to do as you're told."

Of course she couldn't go very long without comparing me to her again. And I would have gotten angry if not for her one of her fingers dipping lower and circling my entrance.

"Danny, we can't..." My mind was racing with thoughts of Maxim. About when he would finally touch me, finally make love to me. And that thought alone made me feel sick to my stomach with myself. Sicker still when I realised I still didn't want to stop. And it made me want to hate Danvers all over again. Wouldn't he realise when he finally took me that... that I wasn't...

"He won't notice a thing, madam. There are some women who barely bleed at all their first time. I'm still having you here whether or not you want me inside of you, but... Think of it this way; I could make sure you're enjoying yourself, rather than having your first time with _him_ be rushed and thoughtless of how you feel."

"He wouldn't be like that."

"Wouldn't he?" She kept rubbing her fingers around and over me and I couldn't help but buck into her hand.

One of her hands was still cupped under my breath and it moved to push along my skin until my nipple was caught between two of her fingers. The fingers on her other hand kept running up and down, catching my wetness and rubbing it against me as her fingers dipped ever so slightly inside.

And I couldn't bring myself to resist.

"Please..." I whispered, my shaking hands sliding down to my neck so she could hear me.

"Are you sure, madam?" As if she wanted to double-check. I thought about her just thrusting her fingers in regardless and not letting me get away the thought only made me attempt to grind down on her hand.

"Please, Danny..."

Her breath ghosted against my skin. "I'm so tempted to make you ask for it. I'm not sure your innocent, little mouth knows how to curse. Though, as this is your first time. I'll be lenient."

She moved her mouth back between my legs, but not touching me yet, twirling her finger in my wetness until she was satisfied. "Breathe," She instructed and there was discomfort as her finger eased into me that turned into a sharp pain and as I went to cry out she fastened her mouth around my clit and sucked hard.

I somehow managed to move my hand over my mouth as I moaned against my efforts to keep silent. The pain was still there, but I could only feel it through the wave of pleasure as she slowly began a pace with her finger while she also sucked away at me. She went from pinching at my nipple to massaging my breast as the finger shifted and curled and found a spot inside that had my thighs trembling and my toes curling.

Something was building up and I knew enough to know that this was all happening so fast but it was just all too much and I wasn't used to any of it and I thought to give Danny some sort of warning but my voice got caught in my throat and my thighs clenched around her shoulders and a wave of pleasure shot through me. My back arched and I pressed my hands tighter still to my mouth as I shook.

She drew back once I my vision stopped blurring, almost as if she could see when my mind was in my body and when it was drifting off somewhere. I glanced down at her, her lipstick smudged red around her mouth, and more red dripping off her fingers.

Wordlessly, she reached into a draw by the side of her bed and pulled out a dark handkerchief. With one hand pressing hard against my hip, she used the other to clean my up and I blushed and felt like a child.

"I'll clean myself up, madam, and then go and see how dinner is coming along," She stood up and started to walk away and I shot up moving faster than I thought I could

“Danny, Danvers, wait,” I grab her wrist.

“Did you need something else, madam?” She stared down at me, eyes as cool as ever.

“I… I thought… I mean, I want…”

“You want?”

“Don’t you want to come too?”

She blinked down at me, face frozen. Shock betraying slipping out of her mask for a moment. “That isn’t necessary, madam.”

“I know it isn’t necessary, Danny, but I’m offering… If you want, I’d like to you touch you.”

She stayed rooted to the spot, fingers twitching in my grasp. This wasn’t like her at all. I'd have thought she would have made me make her come or just upped and left. But it was as though she was considering my idea. What would she have to consider? Wasn’t she just doing with me what she did with Rebecca?

Unless…

“Did she not touch you back, Danny?” She seemed to only get colder in my grip. "Danny, did she-"

"How dare you?" She hissed and craned over me. "Did you even have me fooled with that naive act? You let me take you before your husband and you want to try gloat?"

"I'm not, Danny I'm not-" I held onto her wrist even as she tried to tug it away. "Don't you deserve to feel good too? Was that enough for you? Don't you want more?"

She stared at me and I couldn't work out if she was trying to look through me and find Rebecca inside somehow, or if she was trying to actually see me. I reached up a trembling hand against her cheek. She seemed to me now the most lonely person in the world. How heartbroken to be when a loved one dies, but when that loved one didn't return your affection... or worse let you...

The idea of Rebecca letting Danny pleasure her while never wanting to give her anything in return made my angry. It made me angry and I didn't know why.

I thought for a second she could have been leaning into my hand and I wanted to pull her down and kiss her, but there was a knock at the door.

"Mrs Danvers?" A male voice called from the other side.

In a flash she was back to herself, back ram-rod straight. "Yes, Robert?"

"Frith says he needs you to check over something for him."

"Tell him I'll be down in a minute."

Everything seemed ghostly still as we both listened as Robert's footsteps went back down the stairs and faded into the distance.

"Danny..." I let my hands fall from her and she made her way over the mirror to clean and re-apply her lipstick. She didn't answer me. I didn't know what else I could say. Was I really begging to be able to touch her?

I was still sat like a fool in the middle of her bed as she rested a hand on the handle of the door.

"Mrs de Winter," My eyes shot up as she spoke, far too eager to hear her. "When you leave this room we will not speak of this again. You will go to your husband’s bed and you will be the dutiful wife, and you shall not come back up to my room again."

I stared at her, aware that my face betrays every emotion I have. I didn't know how to craft a mask like hers.

"Or..." She continued slowly.

_Or?_

"...You will come back up to my rooms tonight and prove to me what a good girl you can be."

My mouth fell open and she seemed to blink as if she knew which answer I would chose. And yet this was the only time I'd ever seen her unsure.

As she left the room and closed the door behind her I was left with only my hurricane of thoughts. I knew what the right thing to do was. I was married to Maxim. I loved Maxim. But I had enjoyed what she had done. And Maxim still wouldn't touch me. He rarely ever praised anything I did... I couldn't even remember the last time he had done so.

And I'd glowed for her praise, hadn't I?

She probably thought I was too much of a coward to come and see her. And she was right to think so. But, I thought to myself, it's about time I started learning to be brave.

**Author's Note:**

> What's this? A new Danvers/I fic??? I posted my last one in uuuhhh June? Very happy to be back. 
> 
> Written with Kristin and Lily in mind from the new film, but hopefully can still be read as the musical or book versions. Since I tried to write Kristin's Danny (who I love) she's a little calmer than the Danny I usually write, as I usually write Pia Douwes' who gets much more passionate and fiery. Kiristin's reminds me a little of Femke's in the quieter more calm and depressed way, while Pia's speaks more strongly and loudly and is just losing her mind by the end. And I love both versions of the character.
> 
> The Danny/Rebecca tags are because in this, which hopefully sort of came across, Danny was in love with Rebecca and Rebecca used Danny for sexual pleasure but never felt anything for Danny. She used her like she used everyone else. I wouldn't ever I don't think be able to write proper Danvers/Rebecca just because of my own personal feelings about Rebecca and how I've been hurt by people like her and to me, she's a horrible person and wouldn't have properly loved Danvers. I have no problem with others thinking otherwise and shipping Danvers/Rebecca, I just don't and can't.
> 
> Title is from the song 'Rebecca (Reprise)' / 'Rebecca (Lange Fassung)' from Rebecca the Musical (Warum dann habe ich Angst vor...). If you're here from the film I cannot recommend the musical enough and there's a [great English subtitled version on Youtube](a%20href=) (it's in German).


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